Talk:Under a Very Black Sky/@comment-1452857-20150724012624

alright, so here's a review.

one thing i noticed is that Jay Sea appears twice in different roles. the first time she appears she's with rachel and michael's group when they first appear, but the next time she's mentioned she's the leader of the hunters?

when you take the original version of uavbs into account, it's clear that you've improved a lot. while i think the tension between michael and rachel should have been elaborated on more, you definitely do a good job of representing the tension using dialogue and description. the same goes for the falling out between lucian and zoe. these characters in particular felt like people which was good.

one thing i have to comment on is the nonstop action. of course, as a post-apocalyptic story there's going to be a ton of action. that's a given. but i think it would have benefitted the fic greatly if you showed more casual conversations between the characters and breaks between the action where characters could interact when 'off the battlefield'. this would have fleshed out the people more as well, which would have made the deaths more sad. regardless, the violence was really well-written.

the foreshadowing of stella's involvement in making the portal was really good, as was the foreshadowing of paradise when lucian was being urged by the convincers. i really liked the constract you built up between the siblings as well. speaking of the portal, i really really really liked the plot twist. it didn't feel like a cop-out; the world is still there and everyone's life basically sucks still, but while the ending to zoella's story was bittersweet i like how at least one of them gets a[n arguable] happy ending.

speaking of zoe, i really like her as a character. she feels real, and im looking forward to seeing how to reacts to the mu. all in all i really enjoyed the fic and i'm looking forward to the sequel.