User blog comment:LemonFairy/It's OfficialI/@comment-1897744-20100304234839

Full review that has me jumping in Happy Circles:

"Hold the mayo.

You know how they sometimes pour tons of that stuff over a single sandwich so the stuff swims in goo. That's how I see your story: a sandwich, which is a simple, but tasty meal, but covered in stuff it does not benefit from.

Take the redundancy of double author's notes. You say the same things and give me a choice: skip a part of your writing or ask for greater integrity to be presented in the future version. Remove the note from the start because we are to concentrate on reading the story, not noting errors. We're not your beta readers, and reducing the real audience to that is tactless. Get a proper editor because begging and excuses only make a story look weak.

The extra notes about the future are your first sin. People are afraid of the unknown. If your somewhat general summary (you don't say anything particular in it) didn't scare a reader off, stating outright that it's some distant future with the actual canons being shunned sure would. The problem? People like to feel safe. In fan fiction, it's particularly important because a few memorable canon scenes in the first chapter both hook readers and guarantee you know and are able to work with the real stars.

Skipped the poem. It does not belong to you and you'd have to pay me to read plagiarism. Speaking of illegal issues, promising sexual innuendo in a K+ intro bumps the very idea to T. You take what you dish, and exclude the mentions to keep the rating or raise the rating to keep the redundant spoilers. Do bear in mind FFN does not appreciate question and answer rounds that you start with the final message.

Now, several chances to make a positive first impression later, I reach the story itself. And I'm displeased with what I see. Two things disturb me as a keen reader whilst glancing at the work. To start with, it's the overuse of pronouns. "I" comes in rows in your story, and it gets really annoying when you are unable to find a synonym while putting it time and time again as the starter word of a paragraph. Silly overlooking.

Usage of separators in the first chapter also makes me question your ability to concentrate on one setting. You see, when you make a solid introduction, you show us that you are capable to provide us detail and plot without fleajumping between characters. Moreover, every separator is like a loading screen or a commercial break during a movie. It distracts and lets us remember less. You don't exist if you're not remembered, dear colleague.

"keep you stuff locked and on you at all times" Fairly logical. I always lock my keys when I put them in a pocket. Read your work with thought, not machine-like reflexes.

You may rest assured that you have done two things right. For one, you seem to be a master of static description. It's not a scary term, and it means you're able to present us enough detail from the surrounding world's elements without going overboard. That, and the final three paragraphs were interesting. For this, I applaud you in achieving a pretty cliffhanger that would have easily made me add the story to the alerts were it not for a single issue.

The character you describe is mundane at best. Mary Sue isn't the term here. Just plain and average. Sure, we love the everyman and it's a girl's dream to have an average husband (or not), but when you give the protagonist no real glint, my mind wanders off to something more challenging. In this chapter, the only thing to run one's thoughts was supposed to be the obsession with being taken. Otherwise, the character is faceless. Relationships are taken for granted due to a must in human interaction. Find a quirk, advertise it in the plot via clever descriptions or thoughts (they think more than what they tell you they think), and don't forget that you are not writing to geniuses. I liked the reminder about that cabin, but if I am confused as to who is this first-person speaker, we're back in empty space land. Give 'em a face!

Of course, these may be difficult to accomplish in the first chapter because you may go overboard with, say, your own character's development while the rest dies. Though, if you're able to be subtle, the tasks you can assume this review suggests shouldn't be challenging at all. Drop us hints that you can do it, so we could pick up the writing.

Have a nice, abuse-free day."

The last time I got a review that helpful... actually, I don't know if I've ever gotten one that helpful. :D *is re-writing chapter one yet again, but she can SEE IT TRANSFORMING YAY*