Near Theory: Da Dank Tooth uf Pursi Jaxon

Salutations, comrades. Soon we shall delve into the Abyss of Unknown Knowledge, reach our short arms across the Chasm of Curiosity, and conclude at the great tall Mountain of Mystery. I'm Near, and this is a Near TheoryTM.

Have you ever wondered why Percy Jackson always manages to save the day? Why everyone's dreams always comes true? Grover finds Pan, Percy visits his father's palace, and Annabeth redesigns Olympus? And why is it that there are various inconsistencies?

These questions have always bothered me deeply. But then I realize the truth. The deep, dark truth. Now, you might find this theory to be be a bit shocking, I did too when I first stumbled across this veritas, I was shocked so deeply I fainted. Then again, the shock may of come from me jamming my fingers in an electrical outlet for the lulz, but that's not important.

If you have any of the following conditions please do not read any further because the pure, raw power of the fact will make your brain explode! If you don't have any of the above conditions, then it should be safe for you to read this, but you will be forever scarred.
 * Andromeda Strain
 * Cooties
 * Dragon Pox
 * The Flare
 * Smallpox
 * Lycanthropy
 * Ratititis
 * Corprus Blight
 * The Knahaten Flu

Now that all of that is cleared out of the way, let me state the mind blowing truth that will leave you up all night just trying to get over it.

Percy Jackson and Friends are all comatose little children in a post-apocalyptic insane asylum ruled by Motorcycle Driving Polish Velociraptor Ballerinas! And all the children are in a coma and are sharing a dream!

IKR??? I'll give you a week to comprehend it.

* A week later*

Better? Okay. Let's dig a little deeper.

All of the Campers are actually asylum patients in a post apocalyptic world. This apocalypse was actually caused by Motorcycle Driving Polish Velociraptor Ballerinas (or MDPVB for short) after their entry into the human world through a quantum fluctuation in the punctuation of the lateral cranium of the nigh deity. The MDPVB were guilty about causing all of the destruction so they adopted the survivors. All of the survivors were then sent into an asylum in purgatory where they fainted immediately into a coma from the shock of the event. They then all had a shared dream where they were actually demigods who went on quests.

Grover is actually a Mexican tap dancer. He was at a recital being watched by his hippie girlfriend when the MDPVB attacked, and he was left crippled, which is why he is now a satyr. Also he is a furry, who searches for the King Furry aka "Pan."

Annabeth is actually an ugly nerd who fetishes science without actually understanding it,  and nobody likes her and in this fantasy world she imagines herself as someone who actually contributes to this world.

Nico is actually a really edgy Tumblrite. He is so edgy that he cuts his sister's head off out of surprise when the MDPVD arrive. He then feels guilty and blames her death on the giant robot, Numidium, which at the same time of her death was actually on a vacation in the Summerset Isles, and a giant robot cannot be in two places at once! That’s ridiculous!

Bianca in reality is a normal girl who got sucked into radical third wave feminism. It eventually destroys her when a giant robot, representing the unstoppable forces of reality, crushes her using SkepticismTM.

And finally, Percy Jackson is actually a country kid who lives alone with Smelly Gabe in the middle of Nowhere, Kansas. He dreams about having a wonderful mom and dad, and living by the coast, but his reality is much danker…..

And finally, Luke Castellan is actually a psychopathic bleach-blonde surfer dude who Percy is insanely jealous of. Which is why he is the villain. His double-edged blade represents his double personality.

The Motorcycle Driving Polish Velociraptor Ballerinas originally came to this world to deliver a message, a mysterious message that said only a very intelligent, beautiful, talented person aka me can decipher. Here is the highly coded, super top secret message they were trying to deliver:

" What the what did you just dam say about me, you little schist? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at Camp Half-Blood, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Titan Army, and I have over 9000 confirmed kills. I am trained in greekish warfare and I’m the top archer in the demigod world. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my dam words. You think you can get away with saying that schist to me over Iris message? Think again, sea-weed brain. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Empousa across the Riordan-verse and your Iris message is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, seaweed-brain. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re dam dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my magical katana of evisceration. Not only am I extensively trained in magic, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Mount Olympus and Camp Half-Blood and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable face off the face of Mount Olympus, you little schist. If only you could have known what holy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your dam tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you god's dam idiot. I will schist fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re dam dead, seaweed-brain."

Now currently I am very stumped as to the meaning of this puzzle. Hopefully we can successfully decipher it in the next Near TheoryTM.

Adn that is Near TheoryTM. This theory is over 9001th percent correct. If you disbelif are sutpid.

Bye.